Writers Blok

Once I went to a writing event and had this conversation about the two types of writer with a student she said all organised writers are jealous of tortured writers and I said I am a tortured writer which I knew meant I was a bullshit person but hey we all monkeys and then I drank too much wine and there were a lot of old important people there and it got confusing.

I been writers blocked up like a post guinness bog lately and it was getting me down and loathsome so I wrote some heartfelt poetry to the universe pleading to get a god damn break for a change and by the end I had wrote something and I remembered how to write again so now I am writing a novel coming soooon.


Prayer of the Hot Mess


Dear Universe

Is it ok

If just for today

I am allowed to be a mess


Can I not clean my house

And let other people see

The clothes on the floor in every room

Don’t mean I’m depressed


Can I just smoke cigarettes

Weed, drink booze just please

I know I’m trying to quit

But I can’t write this stressed


Can no one ask me questions

I don’t remember these:

Where I’m going, what I’m doing

Can I just fail this test


Cos my muse is beaten up

Bloodied, broken, been abused


And I don’t know how I got here

This is not the place I choosed


I just want to write something

Like nobody showed me how


And I need another sentence

So can I be a mess just now


The year is well into sci fi. Internet scams now include houses on Mars. They turned The Hobbit into a zero player videogame. I saw Tony Hawk stumbling around on a hoverboard because his ass old now.  I been writing around since declared Not Able but Money People want me to get a Real Job. Apparently it is nigh time I returned from outer space and put the mission of the sacred heart on hold so I can make coffee for some arsehole who is angry about how many metal discs he has to cough up to get kilojoules.


Ancient Work History


Male Staff


Early 2007



Covering colleagues for weed breaks


Making that gross ass waste gravy


Skills Acquired:

Stealth Vomiting

How to ask for lunch breaks

Complete resistance to burn injuries


Sandwich Artist





Secret drinks fridge police/main offender

Food Court soundtrack

Every damn thing


Skills Acquired:


How to be one of gang

Made a sandwich so bad there was a picture on the internet


I tried to get into the air force about here but it turned out Warrant Officers hate exactly people like me. Dodged several bullets.







Public Transport

Gandalf sleep with eyes open thing

Attending (didn’t)


Skills Acquired:

Keeping my damn mouth shut


How to bullshit


Sandwich Artist


One day somewhere in 2009 I think



Way Too Many


Skills Acquired:

I quit as soon as I was further than yelling distance from the store so nope I guess



My house



Skills Acquired:

Beer Weight

How to be cool with hallucinations

Killed it on fallout




That really weird week in 2010



I was supposed to have conversations(?) with this real intense American dude and maybe travel the world and shit


Skills Acquired:

How to realise that is probably serial killer


Wrote Website (Should have learned what that is called in uni)

Startup Genetics Company/High School Friend who had too high an opinion of me






Yes I Know What I Am Doing nods


Skills Acquired:

How to hate advertising

How to hate stereotypes

How to hate 8am


I don’t remember like any of 2011


General Writer

My House




Write things




Skills Acquired:

Too self-deprecating for this section


Sorcerer Technically

My House

Dawn of Spacetime



Not much

I give a lot of wise advice if that counts


Skills Acquired:



Elemental Manipulation


Astral Projection

Nothing Useful


Also I gave my number to three different record producers who wanted me to be in a band but I am pretty sure now those guys were just hitting on me so no dice there


Possible Career Opportunities

Glam Rock Frontman or any kind of President

Bouncer at medieval themed bar

Normal people things surely


I do weddings

The Well

She says don’t speak to me of the well, and shows me

Her house, the colour of sun-bleached brick and wiped clean beige counters

Wedged into the coast with many, no beach line, houses half sunk


The top, unlucky level thirteen, cold dread rationed from above

A maze of bedrooms, torn butcher’s paper loud in the wind

Drawn through the crawl in and die spaces, she’s slept in them all


At the bottom a stair, a basement, a cupboard, a breach

An earthen shaft, lousy with wet

The ocean counting in waves, flushing us down


Light stained by brown water, a rise and then a dip

And then dry clay too deep for roots

A line of memory a long way back up


I see the well, below

I see hellfire, horn crowned lords, the classics

But I don’t understand


She says

Don’t speak to me of the well

It goes deeper still

You see the top


She says

You draw from the bottom

You dig forever down

You are well past the sight of others


She points, wings, chains, blood and iron


Says, these are things like any other

They are solid, make sense


You do not need the rules to be real


Hell is where the fire comes from

And there is fire here to burn anything

A Way From Home

Don’t look into my eyes or you will see

How long I’ve been gone

That I can’t remember where home is


Don’t read me

I am not finished

And my words are wrong


Don’t dig me up

I am not buried

I can still breathe


Don’t point me the way

My eyes will wander

I will get lost


I do not know

If you will wait


I do not know

What will be left


I do not know

If I will remember when I see it


But I promise


The tide will bring me back


And the wind will point in your direction


You will see me take those last few steps to your door


I will breathe the air I know and have no more miles to tread alone


The hours I missed will be gone and nothing


When I make it home


Weird kid you’re gonna need to learn. Nobody is going to teach you what parts of your education are wrong. Your parents will try their best if you are lucky and you will end up standing on their mistakes until you make enough of your own to realise it never mattered whose fault anything was. Trusting to the government and the plotted line is going to get you nowhere forward because the whole place is run by idiots exactly like you. Weird kid you’re gonna need to work things out.



Life goes forever and you will forget all of it. Relationships will last until you have gotten drunk and dug up all your lies, created an entire new music collection and fucked someone else. Grudges are not useful.

You were also an asshole in high school.

Get pissed off if somebody throws time is short/live in the now/plan for the future bullshit at you, it will help you think harder.

Time is messed. You will spend weeks trapped in a moment. In the dark you will travel backwards through every part of your life until you are a scared animal. There is no way to tell which one of your prophecies will come true.

It is best not to think about it until you find the right album.



It takes a stupid amount of friendship for anyone to talk to you in a voice other than the one they use for all the other vaguely ape-shaped noise makers that fill the background.

If your parent’s told you the reason that they tell you that they didn’t do drugs it would be a more convincing argument but you would still probably do some drugs.

Anything that a person in a movie/song/tv show/book/comic/giant picture/uplifting video tries to convince you is a good idea is designed to make money.

Money is exactly a bunch of numbers someone you haven’t met has decided is important and will make damn sure they keep track of for you. It is how many meals are between you and stealing to eat. The more people it is spread around the smaller the stupid decisions that can be made with it.

Everyone’s personality is buried under a heap of mental. You will see it if you keep eye contact until they are uncomfortable or if you spend enough time digging through their shit. People’s bullshit includes music/television/movie/reading tastes, language choice, means of income, living arrangement, circle of friends, clothes, haircut or anything done as a means to scrape some individuality out of the pile of humans. None of this is important, you can dig through any amount of a person’s shit and forget what it smells like as soon as you see them cry. Most of your relationship with anyone is going to be non-verbal and mainly shaped by how long you spent the last few hours with them.



Everybody has seen some shit that they will not talk about. If you don’t start out short and full blown crazy then you will be watched closely. Grown men will die psychic until we make ourselves robots. People have been pointing fingers and making wild eyes since we figured out how to yell at each other.

You will get no help with secret things. They are yours. Each person has their own god, even if they read it from the same book. We all have our own ways of bending our universe. You are born with your body already working and you will die figuring out why.

This is the important bit.



Weird kid you are going to need a dream. Fuck off the disney songs and drink those stars from your eyes. A good portion of the population want to kill themselves. If someone tries to crush your hope fight for it. It is survival of the last one left alive.

You are going to have to make the reason why things happen to you. You are going to have to starve yourself for something. You are going to need a rope to hang on to and you will need your last gasp of air.

You are supposed to be your own chosen one. There are 7 billion people that don’t know what they’re doing and need at least one person who’s got their back. You only use 10% of your brain for making bad decisions. Destiny is a result.


Weird kid you gotta work things out. Everyone has their own universe to save. If you don’t make things important to you then you will spend your life sleeping.

Weird kid your thoughts are just thoughts. Sometimes they are words, or numbers, visions or voices. If you thought like another person you would be a different animal. You will remember the thoughts you need when the time is right and you will unload the ones that are too heavy on friendly ears. The rest could have never happened.

Kosmic Blues

So I finally checked my emotions and got the memo that love is bullshit. Everybody knew this already which makes a lot of sense now you fucks. Here I been getting misty eyed and planning speeches while everybody is pretending like a regular person and bouncing around like hot rabbits.

Invented by bacteria as a sex part magnet, love is a tool used by the wicked to trade people, property, wallet sizes, tiny people and bodily fluids. It sells exactly one song, rocks and uncomfortable clothing. It gives you the classic “look over there” while it drains your bank account, precious lifespan and enthusiasm for doin it.

And now society has shoved its gross ass love all down my throat and got me feeling like half a person just because I ain’t making some poor lass deal with the slow heat death of my anxieties. If I don’t make a girl like me with lies and haircuts, somehow figure out what comes next and then marriage I am not doing my part for the overall mass of the human population.

If it were up to me I would jump this train wreck, deal without text politics, frown conversations and the dramatic soundtrack. I would take my lonely island in a sea of booze thank you.

But the songs are already my favourites and my nerves got me too big of a heartbeat and what I’m really trying to say is that I’ve had that god damn Janis Joplin song stuck in my head for three days now and I can’t afford to buy a plane ticket to move somewhere foreign and marry her ghost.

When Nothing Works

Put head in hands, look down.

Lose hope.

Remember that time when the universe gave you a sign when you asked for it.

You sat on the beach and looked at where the blue sky met the blue ocean and waited.

There were no ships on the horizon or faces in the clouds.

And the wind blew no wise voice to your ears.

You put your head in your hands and looked down and lost hope.

A light shone in the sand at your feet, many of them.

There was fire in the rocks you sat on and electricity in the ocean.

Sparks flowed in the air and ignited.

And you thought, in a voice of your own:

There is light in everything.

No matter what anyone else says.

Because I can see it.