Author Archives: Samuel Maguire

Short Fiction: Joystick

(It has been a while since I wrote any fiction so I thought I would try and get back in The Game. Go easy on me I have been real nervous lately.)

Joystick

When the journalists asked me how I do it I did not want to tell them. I told them anyway because I like telling the truth. There was some philosopher who said you should always tell the truth and that you should not use words to manipulate people and I like that. I am also really bad at lying.

When the journalists asked me I said that I can fly if I have an erection.

They thought it was a joke at first. I was uncomfortable because I am not used to people laughing at things I say. I sat there and frowned and rubbed my face a bit. They still did not believe me which I guess was because I was not doing a good job of convincing them. I told them I would show them and a rose a few metres into the air and they all looked at my dick and saw that I was not lying.

They nicknamed me “The Flying Pervert” which I think was not fair at all. I am not a sexual deviant. I do not look through women’s’ windows as they are changing. I got in a conversation once about superpowers and every other guy said they would choose invisibility because they could look at naked women in the shower. I chose flight.

I woke up one morning and I could fly. It is a weird sensation. I kind of grab my crotch area with my brain tightly and lift myself upwards. It is a warm, pulling sensation but not in a sexual way. More like a friend pulling you along by the hand through a crowd to show you something interesting. Except the hand is my dick.

Steering is easy; I just pull myself along in the direction I want. I can go very fast but usually do not. I tend to bob around a bit as my concentration lapses. I like floating up stairs and over fences that I could easily climb.

I couldn’t decide whether to tell my family or my girlfriend first. I feel like both would be betrayed if I chose the other. I didn’t really want to tell my girlfriend first because she is not that into me but my family had been kind of mean to me and I thought that maybe they deserved a little distance from me. I decided to tell some of my friends first but I did not really know where they lived and when I asked them to come over they said they were busy.

I flew around the city for a while and people shouted and stared and I did some loops and they clapped a bit. I caused some car crashes accidentally and decided I should probably stop interfering with other people’s lives. I flew to my girlfriend’s house that night. I wore some tight underwear under loose jeans and a big jumper I had borrowed from my dad that almost went to my knees.

I knocked on her door and she answered and asked me what I was doing there. She seemed pretty pissed off. I thought to myself that I probably should have texted and organised to come over because I guess it wasn’t that big a deal on her end. I told her that I could fly and I showed her that I could fly. She said she was impressed but that she still did not want to have sex me that night. I said that I didn’t expect sex even though I had a little but I felt that it wasn’t that bad a lie because I wasn’t really manipulating her to do anything. She said she was going to bed because she had work early the next morning and I said ok and then I flew off.

I flew to my parents’ house even though it was late. There wasn’t anyone awake except for my mother who is a terrible sleeper. When I showed her that I could fly she said that she was very proud of me. She said there wasn’t any food in the house and that she wasn’t really prepared for visitors. I said that was ok because I could just fly home and then I did.

The journalists came the next day because someone had seen me fly home. They asked their questions and left already talking about the next newsworthy item. I made a coffee and sat down to relax but someone else knocked on the door. They were men from the military. They said they would give me a lot of money if I would let them run some tests on me. I said no because I have never really agreed with the military. They seemed to get pretty angry at that so I excused myself for a cigarette and then flew away.

I flew to my girlfriend’s house and asked if I could crash there for the night because the military was at my house and they were pissed at me. She said okay but she had some reading to do so maybe I could keep it down a little. When night fell she started getting ready to go out. I asked her where she was going and she said she had a party to go to. I asked if I could come and she paused and then said yeah it would probably be okay if I did.

We went to the party and it was a small, intimate house thing. My girlfriend told them my name and that I could fly if I had an erection. They laughed for five seconds and then started talking about things I did not understand. My girlfriend sat next to someone else and laughed at jokes I did not get and gave them playful little punches. I excused myself for a cigarette but no one seemed to notice. Halfway through the cigarette I decided I could not go back in. I flew into the air and kept rising. I tried to figure out things but it was hard because I had an erection.

I flew back down and landed on the roof and waited for the erection to pass. It did pretty quickly. I felt sadder than I thought I had felt ever in my life. I was probably only medium sad though. I played some nice music in my head and spoke to myself.

“Hey kiddo.”

“Hey kiddo, do not feel so down. You can fly. You can go anywhere that you want to right now.”

I would have said I wanted to go home if there was any place in the world that I felt was home. Instead I answered that I wanted to go anywhere but here. So I went back inside and I grabbed my bag and left.

Tagged

Primary

I grew up in country schools as the weird kid. I had too much imagination and too little self esteem which I guess means I had the makings of a great artist or a great serial killer. As an adult I guess I can appreciate this more because I relate to children’s cartoon characters and Spiderman better. My imagination was a terrible beast trying to unleash itself upon the world and, like an angry junkyard dog, only getting as far as the end of its chain and scaring the shit out of me.

I was the kid who knew every dinosaur and how to pronounce their names and which dinosaurs lived together and tore each other apart. Their size and majesty fascinated me. The were built like terrible machines, covered in armour and weilding an array of in-built weapons so they had everything I did not. I collected every Walking With Dinosaurs poster and I memorised them. On my birthday the poster with my favourite dinosaur, ankylosaurus, came out and I thought this was fate. I prayed to my own personal child jesus, who wore blue pajamas with stars on them and had a head shaped like a crescent moon because as a kid I was in a constant state of confusion. I prayed to him to turn me into a velociraptor and then I would be adopted into a pack of friendly beasts and we would tear apart my bullies with our claws and teeth and then I would give a throaty cry into the night and the pack would know that I was their leader. This did not happen so I gave up on God and refused to sing any of the hymns at my anglican school until I got in trouble for it.

Soon my maelstrom imagination turned to things that did not already exist. Dinosaurs were too set a path and it would be many years before I could realise my dream of becoming a paleontologist and make up dinosaurs of my own. I turned to aliens. I watched Independence Day and it freaked my shit out but I would still pretend that the aliens would come and then they would take me up to their spaceship and we would become friends and then we would arm ourselves with pulse rifles that I had invented even though I was just a kid and then we would come down to Earth and vaporise all my bullies. I wrote a story with my best friend who was as weird as me but in a very different way and I was my main character in the story. I would fight terrible monsters from space and then my friend would take over and kill them in ridiculous ways that pissed me off a lot.

Monsters plagued my dreams every night. With a blank slate my mind could not find anything to grasp on to so my brain turned everything I saw into some kind of terrible creature. I slept with an array of stuffed animals but only because I thought they would kill me if I abandoned them. If I woke up in the morning and one had fallen under my bed I would apologise to it under my breath and plead to it that it was an accident. My first stories were horror stories where the main character always died because I did not want to piss off monsters by making them seem weak.

I think I turned out alright considering the circumstances.

Sucks-S

So I was thinking to myself today: You know what? I am doing alright. I ‘Get By’. I am doing things that I love and I am not getting into debt and nobody hates me yet. I should teach people my secret. People have got to listen to my opinions for their own good. Why do I not have disciples already?

Then I played Kingdom Hearts for four hours and ate nachos for dinner for the third night in a row. But I had a point. I do have some tips for people who are maybe less fortunate than me. These tips can get you ahead in life no matter who you are. Even if you are a criminal.

 

THE SKYDEKKERIX GUIDE TO INSTANT SUCCESS AND WEALTH AND SEX-HAVING

 

How to get rich:

Wait I should probably start on something else since I have no way of ever getting any money ever.

 

How to be good at Sports:

Something about getting sex in high school? Maybe exercise? Being a dick to people when you are drunk?

 

How to be Sexy:

Wait I know this one! A friend told me something about having wet hair and visible nipples through your shirt. Apparently everyone loves nipples and not just babies. Weird! I just smoke cigarettes with my foot at a nonchalant angle and people seem to leave me alone which is alright.

 

How to be good at Sex:

I have no fucking idea.

 

How to be Confident:

I think you  have to pretend to hate everyone slightly. No Thanks! I like being nice to people even though there is no reward and you just feel like a dick if you get any self esteem.

 

How to talk to Girls:

I just pretend to be a Dungeons and Dragons character with a charisma of 16 and a sword that can kill them instantly if they embarrass me publicly. Sometimes I just do not talk to them.

 

How to talk to Guys (If you are a girl):

I guess just be really nice and funny and ask me about webcomics and maybe throw in a wink or two sometimes. This may not work on any other guy.

 

How to be a Good Writer:

There are two schools of thought on this. The first one is  that you are a pretty good writer but you are a dick for thinking that. The second one is that you are not a good writer.

 

That should get you through most situations in my life. Good luck being terrible but adaptable!

M*A*S*H*: The Suicide Boyz pt 1 (With guests Samuel Finegan and Jack Vening)

I am a man of promises and because of that I got some help for a terrible idea someone told me I should do. Here is your fanfiction with help from friends.

M*A*S*H*: The Suicide Boyz

 

HEawkeyes grabbed the rock (a ball) from Moustache and bounced it a lot down the court. I have played basketball a bit and I am pretty sure the rules say you have to bounce it a lot. Moustache couldn’t catch up to him. He was out of breath from smoking.

Suddenly! Hawkeye didn’t have the ball anymore! WHAT! Colonel Harry Potter had it and he was on a horse. He did a triple back flip and slipped the rock into the net gingerly.

“Wicked moves Pete!” yelled Moustache.

“You are not allowed to ride horses in basketballs.” Spat Porkeyes and he did his angry dance.

Colonol potter galloped away with his horse and he just fucking cackled. Dick move potter.

“Is there anything to do in Vietnam that ISN’T to do with baskets?” hawkayes said funnily. Moustache laughed pretty hard at this. Hot tits bobbed out of a tent.

“I’m sick of your fucking jokes eyes!” she screamed. Moustache laughed pretty hard at this.

That mean guy also walked out. Not the first one the second one who is actually not that bad. Major payne or something. Anyway he was wearing a towel and looked pretty embarrassed. I think they were having sex in there. I think they are married maybe?

Alan alda was always playing jokes on hot hips. Just the other day he wrote a mean note saying “Horse Lips” to her. I laughed but I felt bad because it was pretty mean. Hot Blips was pretty mean in return though. She is always angry even though nurses are meant to be nice.

Hakeye replied. He said “You love my jokes because they are your babies.” Moustache hi fived him. They were definitely the coolest dudes in town. Everyone in Vietnam loved their jokes. Everywhere they went you could hear laughter. But not for much longer. Colonel potter has got a letter, a letter that would change the camp forever. He had sighed pretty hard when he read it. Radar had cried like baby.

At that point all of a sudden surprise! Heelacopters came in! They were playing rock music really loudly. “Cut it out man I am trying to sleep” Harkayes smiled at the copters. Moustache laughed at this but also he was laughing because he was nervous. These coptas were too cool, too fly. They didn’t even land before three dudes jumped out.

The dudes strode up to the camp like their legs were made out of horny stallions. They wore sunglasses and their green shirts were unbuttoned. You could see there stomach tattooes that read PUNCH LIFE and also the tops of their pubic hairs. They were tall and handsome. They hi fived each other beautifully like doves who play volleyball. One of them jumped and then did a 360 and landed it. The other two fist pumped really hard when he did. They were the suicide boyz and nothing in the camp would ever be the same!

***

Father Mulcahy does not see the suicide boyz arrive because he is busy widening the hole he has dug in which to bury his faithless, dead god. He has been digging the hole for six weeks, having bribed the border patrol to let him walk out into the jungle and return each day without question or comment. In the bottom of the hole, which opens like the mouth of hell he has left his bible. Beside it squirms Houlihan’s child. Bound by the confessional, Mulcahy had helped deliver the blighted, half-breed thing. Whether Houlihan had a soul or not, he had sworn her a promise and this was the fruit of it. It had slid from her twisted and unfit for life, but so it had proven unfit for death too. Sometimes it cries, but this morning it burbles in the deep dark of the jungle hole – sliding its chelicerae over one another slickly as it pipes, in a high sweet parody of its mother’s voice:

‘Kiss me with those hot lips. Kiss me with those hot lips.’

Mulcahy stabs the shovel into a mound of soft dirt, wiping sweat from his brow to watch the rock-and-roll emitting helicopters. He hopes they will crash. They will consume the camp and the war in flame and burn the world clean. He has long since given up on trying to kill the baby. He crosses himself twice. One of these days the whole will be deep enough and the baby, he hopes, will be crushed to death under the weight of a dead god. He looks into the whole and says, ‘Paws up, little monster’

He is thinking to himself how that will be a good song lyric in the future sometime. And begins the trudge back to camp.

****

Hawkeeye scurffs his foot in the dirt sulkily. BJ pats him on the back and says, ‘Come on, Hawky, it will be good to have some more Hunks around.’

‘What would you even know about Hunks, Beejay you have a big moustache and aren’t a hunk like me.’

Everyone nods, because they know that BJ is not so hunky but they nod sadly because BJ has tears in his eyes because what Hawkkeye said was not funny but just mean.

‘Anyway,’ Howkeye says over the loud boohoohooing of BJ, ‘They are different polarity. Everyone knows Hunks have two polarities. Cool and snarky like me and burly and super studly like them and if there are both of them then it doesn’t go well.’

The Suicide Boyz are flexing at all the nurses who are swooning like they are being shot by Vietnamese bullets. Only Houlihan is not swooning because she is rolling her eyes and is going, ‘I am not even impressed because I am a no-nonsense feminist’ (which she is) The main Boyz turns his head and smiles his mouth at Hakeye, ‘Did I hear you say you thought I was studly?’ he quipped.

‘No!’ says Hawkee, ‘I only said it ironically in a maudlin way like when I say ‘isn’t it a party’ when there are dead people’ Everyone laughs out of obligation, but they think it is a weak joke. Hawkeye wishes he wasn’t a sissy medic but a soldier so he could get out his shooter and they could have a duel but he is only a doctor. Radar interrupts his thoughts by running into him and knocking him into the dirt, he says sorry but does he really mean it? Not so much, because he is too impressed by the Boyz.

‘Omigod!’ squees Radar, ‘You are the suicide Boyz!’

The Suicide Boyz form up and pump their firsts and then make hand gun signs and pretend to fire bullets into eachother’s tattoos. (This is their cool-guy charlie’s angel pose)

Radar is basically wetting himself when he says, ‘You’re Shooter Hardfist!’ he screams at the main one who Haweke says was studly but reckons he doesn’t mean. ‘And you’re Spider!’ he says to one of the other ones. Houlihan raises an eye about this and looks interested. ‘And you’re Lovemarkers!’

‘What is all this? What is all this?’ says Colonel Potter, punching Radar out of the way. He had missed the landing because he was kind of bad at hearing and also because he was stabling his horse which was a really handsome Persian racehorse with a chocolate brown coat and a light blue star on its forehead which was really unusual in a horse which is why he called it Rigel-Starhors.

‘Who are all of you Hunks coming in here and flexing at my nurses?’

‘That one is Shooter Hardfizt and that one is Zpider and that one is Lovemakerz!’ bawled Radar.

***

Meanwhile, Trapper who you kind of forget is in the show and looks a bit like Will Farell, was in the surgical tent, desperately trying to save the life of a Korean lady villager whose name he didn’t know but was probably Park Park of Key Park or Sing Song like all the others.  She was beautiful, in a Chinese sort of way. She had a fine face, the dusky skin of a worker. He found himself tracing the line of her brow with his gloved finger, down along her nose and under her eye. Across her lips. Into her mouth…
Where the other surgeons were, he couldn’t tell. He’d heard the drumming of inbound birds  but whoever they’d brought with them –alive or dead—Radar hadn’t announced. Just another chance to prove myself, he thought with a grim smile. Another chance to show them that he was the best damn surgeon in the company, hell, probably in the war.
He laughed at the thought as he pinched off an artery he’d accidently nicked with with the edge of his rolex but stopped when he realised he was spitting crumbs into the chest cavity of the patient.
‘Damn it, Sing Song!’ he screamed, slamming his fist down onto the table next to her head. Startled, the woman, who had been pretending to read a poster on deep vein thrombosis that was hanging on the wall but obviously couldn’t read english, tried rolling to the side.  But Trapper had a good hold of her ribs and she wasn’t going anywhere.
‘Not today, Ping Pong,’ he said, straddling her so she couldn’t move. ‘Not until we find out what’s wrong with you.’
Why don’t you find out what’s wrong with you first, Will Farell thought to himself as he got to binding the woman back together. Maybe then you can go yelling at the poor devil.
               But of course he already knew what was wrong with him. He was in love. He may as well admit it.

‘No,’ he whispered through clenched teeth, staring down at the womam. ‘I’ll see you in the ground before I tell you I love you.’
Suddenly, Klinger burst into the tent, his dress stained and filthy and his legs running red. In his hands he was holding a bundled up pile of guts.

‘IVE HAD A MISCARRIAGE’ HE SCREAMED THROUGH HIS NOSE.

(Because this is just the biscuits I am going to keep continuing with this story with help from as many friends as possible.)

Tagged

Things I am doing.

Hey people I am doing this rad thing for Stilts which is basically just writing blog posts but also they have upgraded me to Emerging Writer instead of Basement Worrier.

http://underthestilts.com/posts/visitor-post/sam-tells-us-how-to-play-backstory/

Also coming up soon on Skydekkerix: Some awesome collaborative fanfic with two of some of my favourite people! Stay tuned people.

Turning and Leeching

Life is about learning lessons and passing on those lessons.

My brother moved out of my house a couple of weeks ago, leaving me alone with my stepbrother. We both stay to our respective areas of the old queenslander built like a dark age party hall. Mine being the smoking area down the back, the kitchen and my room. His being the tiny room with doors that do not shut properly. The oversized common room is no man’s land. The fireplace is not allowed to be used and I don’t play videogames alone anymore so the aging plasma television sits idle.

I invited my brother and a friend of mine around for beers on an empty friday night as if I spend too much time alone I get freaked out by the  sound of my voice. My brother and I bought some Hoegaardens, a beer good for drinking, and some Californian Irish-Style Red Ales called Red Trolleys. The Red Trolleys were rich, dark, velvety and not too bitter. We considered cigars and then considered that we barely had anough  money for the beers. Times have been hard.

I also had an Old Speckled Hen saved up for an occasion when life got too tough to be  sober. The beer count stood at eleven. Three ales and two Hoegaardens each with the extra falling to me. My friend came and brought Fat Yaks. A decent ale. We sat on the moldy lifeline couches surrounding a table that was too high and well abused.

My friend and my brother got to talking. I sat and sipped my hen. They talked about cars. I know enough about cars to follow a conversation but not to join in. Cars scare me, I cannot join with their machine bodies, our souls merging into a perfect beast like my brother seems to do. Instead I sipped my hen and thought about if learning to  drive a car would improve me or ruin me. It was not the first time I had thought about this so I tried to pick up where I left off, which took a while.

The conversation moved on to sex. Various conquests and such. I sipped my hen. I realised I hadn’t spoken for about two hours, mainly due to my awkward positioning. Conversation moved on to how bad I was at sex, my small penis size and my lack of experience. I sipped my hen.

My brother had gone through his ration of beer. I told him he could have my Hoegaardens. He noticed that I was still on my first hen. Luckily it was a cold night and the glass still perspired like it had just been retrieved from the fridge. Talk moved on to how weak I had gotten with my alcohol consumption. I guess something snapped in me but maybe it had already snapped. I called out to my brother. Got his attention. I  gave him the finger.

“Eat a dick.”

I finished the beer in one go. Amid laughs and cheers I stood up. I got another beer out of the fridge. I sat down. I got my brothers attention. I gave him the finger.

“Eat a dick.”

I downed the second beer. I repeated. I repeated. My brother said there was vodka upstairs. I gave him a blank stare.

“Get it.”

He came  back down with a bottle of Sambuca. I grabbed it. I poured it into my glass, not even bothering to clear the dregs of ale from the bottom. As the  glass slowly filled the smile started to drain from my brother’s face. I filled the glass to the top. My friend laughed. My brother said holy shit. I stared my brother in the eye. I gave him the finger.

“Eat a dick.”

I got halfway down the big beer glass that my sister gave me for Christmas. I tried to swallow. I tried to breath through my nose. I stood up and ran across the uneven cement, leaving a trail of vomit. I reached my usual stomach evacuation assembly area. I vomited long. I vomited hard. I vomited blue. I vomited up the pile of thoughts that build up when all one has to do with their time is think. My mind was empty. I was serene. My stomach was empty. The scene in front of me was less than serene.

I apologised to my friend and took my leave, collapsing on my bed with David Bowie serenading me out of the huge sound system I barely use now. I dreamt.

I was on a huge golden space station. Red technological behemoths traversed the starburst skies with the grace of angels. There was a machine. A simple scanner large enough for a body and two lights. One was lit up yellow. I scanned myself. The other light lit up green. Something in my  head told me what I  had done. I had registered to be insignificant. I tried to talk to my  friends but they wouldn’t make eye contact with me and said dismissive nothings. I was alone. Unnoticed.

The emporer was in danger and I  was the only one who knew. I couldn’t tell anyone so it was all on me. But first I had to make a chicken curry for Masterchef but there was too much fat on the chicken and it all boiled down to blue vomit. I watched as gears ejected from the bowels of a craft and lit the emporer up in slow explosions that melted away reality.

I woke early the next morning without a hangover. I made some coffee. Smoked some cigarettes. Wrote a thousand words. Chatted on the internet. My brother woke around twelve. He seemed hungover but it might have been from oversleep. We met in the common area, what seemed like a vast space between us.

“I’m sorry.” He said.

I breathed across the room fumes of liqourice and vomit and understanding.

“I know.”

Life is about learning lessons. I have learnt that you can’t steer a train wreck because it is on tracks.

Guest Post: Dean

Hey everyone. My name’s Dean. I can be really funny, but sometimes I’m not. So with that in mind let’s see how this goes.

This is a small story about me.

I inhale the smoke; it tickles the back of my throat.

“Don’t cough,” I think “otherwise they’ll laugh and call you virgin lips” I know it’s a joke, but it can still completely mess me up. Not because of some deep emotional trauma it causes me, or anything like that; it makes me laugh my ass off. As soon as you start laughing, you usually start coughing… And coughing can hurt… a lot.

I don’t cough, and I feel like a god.

As I exhale I look around the room. All eyes are on me. “Are you gonna marry that thing?” quips Brad. I contain my shit, and slowly pull the rest through.

Brad is busily cutting up more pot, Neville is drinking, Kyle and Nick are playing Forza, and Rondolph is talking. Brad looks over at Ron, completely disgusted. I think this is about time I tune in to what he’s saying.

“There’s nothing wrong with them,” he says reassuringly “they were probably just used for cutting the stitches. I doubt they were actually used to cut up his skin, or anything inside him”

“Are you fucking retarded or something? Why they fuck would you let us use these scissors?!?! I swear to god Ron, only you would do something like this!!!”

Brad is pissed. I don’t think this was a good time to jump back to reality. I snatch up the joint that’s being passed around and get back to nothingness for a while.

Neville starts talking about Achewood for some reason, and everyone has no idea what he’s on about. Nev and I talk about it for a good five minutes before Ron chimes in telling us that nobody cares. He then asks why I’m writing all this stuff down.

I explain to him that I’m writing it down so that I can remember it tomorrow, and that I’m doing a guest blog for a friend.  I thought this would be a funny subject to write about. That, and I have no idea what else I should write about. They don’t completely grasp the concept of a blog, I think.

The conversation immediately changes to the little list of things I’ve written down. Brad starts the conversation with “You know it’s not going to make any sense at all tomorrow when you’re reading it, right?” I’ve thought about this… but as bad as pot-brain is I think I should do a pretty good job of remembering all of this tiny stuff that happens that doesn’t matter at all to anything. Apparently I was right.

Something happens and Neville starts losing his shit. Whenever he does this he usually slaps tables. The problem is, in the caravan he slaps the person beside him on the leg. I’ve been put beside him, and he starts going to town on my leg. I knew this was going to happen, and have prepared with a pillow. He smashes the pillow with a lot of force, and it takes most of the blow. I’m a genius.

Ron then starts talking about the knee slaps, and refers to them as “The Slapocalypse”, and “The Slappening”. I completely lose my shit. Brad states that I’ve lost my shit, and should probably start trying to find it. This makes us all lose our shit even more.

Ron starts trying to explain why nachos are funny, or something retarded like that, when Brad cuts in and starts yelling at him about how unfunny he is. The thing is, he’s explaining it like someone would do calmly… but he’s just yelling his ass off at him. Brad’s a little bit aggressive sometimes.

I start feeling hungry, and bring up the munchy food that was brought over. Everyone starts a heated debate about it, and whether they should get it now, or a little while later.

Kyle links up a few really awesome corners on Forza, and Neville says that it was some really “Sweet shit”. This completely catches us by surprise, as Nev isn’t a drifting fan at all. As soon as the laughter dies off someone brings up the topic of food again.

Nev continues to talk about Forza, and we continue to laugh. Food is brought up again.

Nick starts to try to convince himself, and everyone else, that he’s good to drive up to the servo to get more food. I ask for coke, because that stuff is like black gold to me.

Ron decides the best thing to do when we’re hungry is talk about our favourite foods, and how awesome they would be right now. Brad tells him to “shut the fuck up” because he’s not helping at all.

Nick talks more about food, and driving.

They promise to get me coke, and I realise that I’m in the presence of angels. As they try to leave Brad nearly axes himself on the door. We all lose our shit, of course.

It’s about five minutes since they’ve been gone, and I feel like the group has been torn apart. All that’s left in the caravan is Kyle, Ron, Nev, and I. Ron is threatening to kill Nev over a small piece of chocolate.

Neville brings up Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and everyone is friends again.

Ron tells a joke, and then straight after the punch line he pulls a cone. Nev says “Way to end on a high note! That should go in the book!”

I explain that it’s not a book, and is just a blog. They either don’t quite understand, or don’t really care.

Ron starts talking about his day, going on about how he just got really high, then went and paid some bills. Neville refers to this as a typical day as an unemployed person, quickly followed by “That should go in the book!” He’s doing it intentionally now, and it’s hilarious.

I start to talk about how people are forcing jokes just to try and get me to write them down. The conversation goes for a couple of minutes, and we all agree that a lot has been forced, and that I’m only putting the last two jokes about it going “in the book” in the blog.

They’re back with food, and it’s awesome. We have jumbo chupa-chups with bubblegum in them.

Brad says something funny, followed by “That should go in the book”. We all completely lose our shit, catch him up on the conversation we just had, and let him know it’s just not funny anymore. He feels like a dick. It doesn’t matter, though, because food is here. Right now food is all that matters.

Tagged

The Nuse

I have been described by some as a bit of a recluse. I kind of pride myself on not having a finger on the pulse of modern culture. But since I have not updated in a while and am very sorry because, I will now give you an update on current events from the view of someone whose grip on reality is like the grip a leper has on a flail in full swing. The fact that I used a flail in a simile probably gives an indication of where I am coming from. Here we go for the first…

NEWS UPDATE FROM SKYDEKKERIX

 

Weather:

The weather has been nice because it has left me the hell alone.

 

Television:

Game of Thrones continues to be pretty rad. There are a lot of boobs in it which I think is kind of unnecessary. Not that I am against naked ladies. I just think there should be dongs in it equal to half the amount of boobs in it. We are all equals people!

Masterchef continues to confuse me. People cry over food and the music changes to often for me to take it seriously. People seem to like it though but that is up to them.

Is reality television still a thing? I think it is. It seems to be better than when it was an excuse to watch drunken bogans in bikinis scratch each other’s eyes out.

Sorry for using the word bogan I will try and make this post more accessible to overseas readers.

 

Overseas News:

I think Australia is not at war anymore! Weird! Unless it is a war against war. I imagine soldiers in that war carry big Kevlar plates that make it annoying to shoot anyone. Soldiers tend to have scary voices so I avoid being yelled at by them.

America is in a bit of trouble but they can pull through with a bit of encouragement. Come on America you are almost there!

Europe continues to be a place where people enjoy things.

I think we are friends with China which is good because Chinese people continue to be friendly to everyone.

 

Politics:

There are no politicians that are friends with each other anymore. They need to stop being so grouchy and maybe try to run the country for a while.

The president of Australia does not want gay people to marry but that is probably because she does not want any people to be married.

I am afraid that people will vote for Tony Abbot and that he will start a war but I got to worry about something and that seems like a reasonable thing to worry about instead of worrying about everything else constantly.

 

Food:

I am a vegetarian now! Things that vegetarians do include not eating meat and getting made fun of for not eating meat and congratulating themselves for all of the above. I have lost a lot of weight but I was really using it for anything anyway.

BREAKING FOOD NEWS UPDATE!

I am so hungry.

 

Books:

Books continue to be read but now they are read on weird tablet computers that do not seem to be useful for much else. I do not really have to worry about that since I will never have any money ever.

I have read The Hunger Games book one and book two. They are better than twilight but also there has been no character ever that used a bow and was not incredibly lame. I am Team Peeta Find Another Girl Who Will Not Try To Kill You At The Drop Of A Hat.

 

Movies:

Movies continue to get better in quality. Good on you movies! Someone should give movies an award.

I am excited for many if not more movies this year!

 

Celebrities:

Celebrities continue to be awful in almost every way and they continue to make me both sad and angry.
Music:

Every new band I discover makes me feel both stupid and also stressed. There are a lot of them so it doesn’t look like stopping any time soon.

 

Drugs:

I am smoking again. A lot of people are disappointed. I have no excuse.

 

Crime:

I stopped watching Cops because I am able to sleep now.

 

I think that pretty covers it. If you think that I have missed anything then you are probably right. If I was a news anchor my sign off would be “Please try not to hurt yourself. I worry about you.”

Duckers

Hey guys you may remember my friend Simon who drew a rad picture of me as a wizard as well as doing awesome RP speed portraits and survivor man. Well he is working on a short animation based on a rad short story and has set up a kickstarter because. Help a brother out with a donation because he is just too super talented.

 

Drinking Game

I feel like I do not drink enough. I have a lot of problems, I should drink more. I am the kind of guy who should just be constantly smelling of whiskey. Whiskey needs to flow through my veins, warming my cells and making them turgid and easy to have sex with. Whiskey needs to be added to every drink. There is nothing else.

I am playing a game now. A drinking game. The drinking game is called alcoholism.

Everytime someone asks me what music I listen to and I do not know what to answer.

Take a drink.

If I answer with a question.

Take a drink.

Everytime a I hold my breath while walking through a tunnel.

Take a drink.

Every time I rest my head against a wall to be more cinematic.

Take a drink.

Everytime I steel up and decide to keep fighting instead of moping about.

Take a drink.

If this happens several times during one walk in the rain.

Drain glass.

Everytime I blame morning throw ups on “Too much phlegm”.

Take a drink.

Throw up again.

Everytime I induce throw ups so I will not have to throw up in front of people.

Take a drink.

Oh shit that drink made me feel sick again.

Throw up.

Goddamnit.

Wait I think I am alright.

Brush teeth.

Shit the fumes from the toothpaste are making me feel sick.

This is the worst.

Drink more.

Every time I am on the train home and I am imagining credits rolling down the screen.

Actually that was pretty cool.

That is what you said last time.

Yeah shutup I am drinking.

Every time someone asks me if I am alright instead of saying “Are you happy with your current electricity provider?”

Take a drink.

Wait you should probably answer the phone instead of making tears into it.

Drain glass.

Every time I think I am probably smarter than everyone I am talking to.

Take a drink.

Remember you are terrible.

Do I have enough to buy this bottle of alcohol?

Shit how do I have only five dollars in my account I do not  even have a phone plan or any expenses whatsoever.

Drink leftover Summers in the fridge.

Oh god these are terrible I am getting the heaves.

Fuck it I did not even want that grilled cheese in my stomach anyway.

Drain beer in one go.

Throw up.

Oh god it is still cold.

Soft drink is for girls.