Guest Post: Dean

Hey everyone. My name’s Dean. I can be really funny, but sometimes I’m not. So with that in mind let’s see how this goes.

This is a small story about me.

I inhale the smoke; it tickles the back of my throat.

“Don’t cough,” I think “otherwise they’ll laugh and call you virgin lips” I know it’s a joke, but it can still completely mess me up. Not because of some deep emotional trauma it causes me, or anything like that; it makes me laugh my ass off. As soon as you start laughing, you usually start coughing… And coughing can hurt… a lot.

I don’t cough, and I feel like a god.

As I exhale I look around the room. All eyes are on me. “Are you gonna marry that thing?” quips Brad. I contain my shit, and slowly pull the rest through.

Brad is busily cutting up more pot, Neville is drinking, Kyle and Nick are playing Forza, and Rondolph is talking. Brad looks over at Ron, completely disgusted. I think this is about time I tune in to what he’s saying.

“There’s nothing wrong with them,” he says reassuringly “they were probably just used for cutting the stitches. I doubt they were actually used to cut up his skin, or anything inside him”

“Are you fucking retarded or something? Why they fuck would you let us use these scissors?!?! I swear to god Ron, only you would do something like this!!!”

Brad is pissed. I don’t think this was a good time to jump back to reality. I snatch up the joint that’s being passed around and get back to nothingness for a while.

Neville starts talking about Achewood for some reason, and everyone has no idea what he’s on about. Nev and I talk about it for a good five minutes before Ron chimes in telling us that nobody cares. He then asks why I’m writing all this stuff down.

I explain to him that I’m writing it down so that I can remember it tomorrow, and that I’m doing a guest blog for a friend.  I thought this would be a funny subject to write about. That, and I have no idea what else I should write about. They don’t completely grasp the concept of a blog, I think.

The conversation immediately changes to the little list of things I’ve written down. Brad starts the conversation with “You know it’s not going to make any sense at all tomorrow when you’re reading it, right?” I’ve thought about this… but as bad as pot-brain is I think I should do a pretty good job of remembering all of this tiny stuff that happens that doesn’t matter at all to anything. Apparently I was right.

Something happens and Neville starts losing his shit. Whenever he does this he usually slaps tables. The problem is, in the caravan he slaps the person beside him on the leg. I’ve been put beside him, and he starts going to town on my leg. I knew this was going to happen, and have prepared with a pillow. He smashes the pillow with a lot of force, and it takes most of the blow. I’m a genius.

Ron then starts talking about the knee slaps, and refers to them as “The Slapocalypse”, and “The Slappening”. I completely lose my shit. Brad states that I’ve lost my shit, and should probably start trying to find it. This makes us all lose our shit even more.

Ron starts trying to explain why nachos are funny, or something retarded like that, when Brad cuts in and starts yelling at him about how unfunny he is. The thing is, he’s explaining it like someone would do calmly… but he’s just yelling his ass off at him. Brad’s a little bit aggressive sometimes.

I start feeling hungry, and bring up the munchy food that was brought over. Everyone starts a heated debate about it, and whether they should get it now, or a little while later.

Kyle links up a few really awesome corners on Forza, and Neville says that it was some really “Sweet shit”. This completely catches us by surprise, as Nev isn’t a drifting fan at all. As soon as the laughter dies off someone brings up the topic of food again.

Nev continues to talk about Forza, and we continue to laugh. Food is brought up again.

Nick starts to try to convince himself, and everyone else, that he’s good to drive up to the servo to get more food. I ask for coke, because that stuff is like black gold to me.

Ron decides the best thing to do when we’re hungry is talk about our favourite foods, and how awesome they would be right now. Brad tells him to “shut the fuck up” because he’s not helping at all.

Nick talks more about food, and driving.

They promise to get me coke, and I realise that I’m in the presence of angels. As they try to leave Brad nearly axes himself on the door. We all lose our shit, of course.

It’s about five minutes since they’ve been gone, and I feel like the group has been torn apart. All that’s left in the caravan is Kyle, Ron, Nev, and I. Ron is threatening to kill Nev over a small piece of chocolate.

Neville brings up Aqua Teen Hunger Force, and everyone is friends again.

Ron tells a joke, and then straight after the punch line he pulls a cone. Nev says “Way to end on a high note! That should go in the book!”

I explain that it’s not a book, and is just a blog. They either don’t quite understand, or don’t really care.

Ron starts talking about his day, going on about how he just got really high, then went and paid some bills. Neville refers to this as a typical day as an unemployed person, quickly followed by “That should go in the book!” He’s doing it intentionally now, and it’s hilarious.

I start to talk about how people are forcing jokes just to try and get me to write them down. The conversation goes for a couple of minutes, and we all agree that a lot has been forced, and that I’m only putting the last two jokes about it going “in the book” in the blog.

They’re back with food, and it’s awesome. We have jumbo chupa-chups with bubblegum in them.

Brad says something funny, followed by “That should go in the book”. We all completely lose our shit, catch him up on the conversation we just had, and let him know it’s just not funny anymore. He feels like a dick. It doesn’t matter, though, because food is here. Right now food is all that matters.

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