So I was thinking to myself today: You know what? I am doing alright. I ‘Get By’. I am doing things that I love and I am not getting into debt and nobody hates me yet. I should teach people my secret. People have got to listen to my opinions for their own good. Why do I not have disciples already?

Then I played Kingdom Hearts for four hours and ate nachos for dinner for the third night in a row. But I had a point. I do have some tips for people who are maybe less fortunate than me. These tips can get you ahead in life no matter who you are. Even if you are a criminal.




How to get rich:

Wait I should probably start on something else since I have no way of ever getting any money ever.


How to be good at Sports:

Something about getting sex in high school? Maybe exercise? Being a dick to people when you are drunk?


How to be Sexy:

Wait I know this one! A friend told me something about having wet hair and visible nipples through your shirt. Apparently everyone loves nipples and not just babies. Weird! I just smoke cigarettes with my foot at a nonchalant angle and people seem to leave me alone which is alright.


How to be good at Sex:

I have no fucking idea.


How to be Confident:

I think you  have to pretend to hate everyone slightly. No Thanks! I like being nice to people even though there is no reward and you just feel like a dick if you get any self esteem.


How to talk to Girls:

I just pretend to be a Dungeons and Dragons character with a charisma of 16 and a sword that can kill them instantly if they embarrass me publicly. Sometimes I just do not talk to them.


How to talk to Guys (If you are a girl):

I guess just be really nice and funny and ask me about webcomics and maybe throw in a wink or two sometimes. This may not work on any other guy.


How to be a Good Writer:

There are two schools of thought on this. The first one is  that you are a pretty good writer but you are a dick for thinking that. The second one is that you are not a good writer.


That should get you through most situations in my life. Good luck being terrible but adaptable!

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