Guitar Hero

I am not in a band. My drum beats have the same pace of a wheelchair bound weightlifter falling down a winding stairwell. I treat a guitar like a woman in that I plead with it not to destroy me while I awkwardly try to placate it with my fingers. My singing voice was once recorded by the army to use to torture poor villagers into saying they are the devil. Music is beyond me. My favourite music is the music that makes me think about dragons the most. Please stop fucking telling me that I look like I am in a band.

My hair is not long because I am saying fuck you to society. My hair is long because haircuts give me panic attacks. The shirts I wear cost $7 from Kmart. Fuck you they do not look good. My jeans are ripped because jeans are expensive and I am too nervous to get a real people job. I do not own a jacket or pair of shoes that I have bought. They were all hand-me-downs from people that have a better dress sense than I do. I have a tattoo because I drink. Do not tell me I should be in a band.

If I was in a band I would be everything that is wrong with the music industry. I would be some talentless fuck that dresses like the heroes from bygone eras and screeches ten tonne bullshit into a mic, while somehow convincing a bunch of ego-less teenagers that I have more right to be there than someone who fucking works hard. If I was in a band I would be the worst.

I do not care that you are 12 years old and looking for a hero kid. You are wrong about my dress sense and you have a hell of a lot of thinking to do.

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