Dungeon Crawl



You wake up on your room-sized floor-mattress. Your alarm is going. The alarm is the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. In the room is (1) (Sword), (1) (Never Played) (Guitar), (1) (Pile) of (Clothes) and (1) (Way above your means) (Phone). You are feeling (Sad).

>Check Time

It is 8:45 am on a Wednesday.

>Fuck that Cast Sleep Spell

You wake up. It is 10:30 am.

> Do I have to Do anything?

Yes. You are a (Adult).

>Fine. Get Up

You heave your body vertical, using the wall for support. It is 10:50 am.

>Check for Supplies

You have (Half) a (Block of Cheese), (2) (Slices of Bread), (3) (Flat) (Beers) and (1) (Kilogram) of (Coffee).

>Make Coffee and Smoke

You are Downstairs on a (Shitty) (Couch). You breathe a sigh of relief as your (Monstrous) (Addictions) are sated.

>Make Coffee and Smoke

You drink another (Coffee) and smoke another (2) (Cigarettes).

>Make Coffee and Smoke

Come on dude.

>Alright. What is my Quest?

You are a (Writer) (Apparently), you must enter (The Dungeon of the Mind) and obtain (Idea).

>Turn On Computer

You press the power button on your sister’s almost broken (Laptop). It makes (Sounds) but does not turn on.

>Pull Plug out. Try Again.

The (Laptop) turns on.

>How does that even work?

Nobody knows.

>Okay let’s do this. Enter Dungeon of the Mind.

You are in the (Room of Surface Thoughts, Anxieties and Funny Laffs). The room is currently empty. There are (3) (Doors). One leads to (The Room of Dreams), one leads to (The Room of Drunken Adventures) and one leads to (The Room of Bullshit Emotional Stuff).

>Have I gotten Drunk recently?

You were (Drunk) (Last Night).

>Anything funny happen?

(Not) (Particularly).

>Shit. What did I Dream about Last Night?

In your (Dreams) there was (3) (Doctor Who’s), (1) (Shit Giant), a (Horde) of (Demon Babies), several (Shark Traps), (2) (Portals) to (Hell), (1) (Swordfight) and a very tall (Ghoul).

>If I write about that people will think I am batshit

A (Doctor) has already told you that you are (Batshit).

>Roll Dodge Blow to Self Esteem

Success. You now think (Mental Illness) equates to (Genius).

>Can I write about that?

You already have, while you were (Inebriated).


You hear stirring from another room. Your (Housemate) is (Awake).

>Make Coffee and Smoke

Your (Housemate) sees you walk on your toes down the stairs. He remarks that that can be a sign of (Autism).

>Fuck. Roll Dodge Blow to Self Esteem

Failure. You are now (Convinced) that you are (Autistic). You gain (15) (Anxiety Points).

>Shitshitshit. Drink Beer

Are you sure? The (Beer) is (Flat) and (Disgusting).

>Drink Beer

You take a gulp from the (Beer). You start to (Vomit) violently. The (Neighbours) can probably hear.

>Pretend I am Vomiting my Anxieties

Success. How does that even work?

>Don’t ask me buddy

You lose (10) (Anxiety Points).

>Make Coffee and Smoke

You are the worst.

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