The Habit

Well guys I have gone and done one hundred blog posts and I am still yet to make any kind of money from it. I have officially wrote A Lot of things and some of you been listening to the voices in my head for quite a time now. Shout out to Dean’s mum.

There is a lot of self-absorbed, meaningful bullshit on this blog so for my century I know I had to up the ante some. This site has been a journey, my development into the writer I am today, and as such I wrote about a journey that is very personal to me and has shaped how I approach writing every time I sit down at my shitty laptop. Thanks for reading guys I do it for my army of spam bot followers.

 

Film Review: Battle of Five Armies

 

Peter Jackson you piece of shit. You A+ fuckwit. You sack of assorted genitals. You grub brained greed golem. You vacuous bank account person. You computer generated image of a human being. You son of a bitch.

When I was very young my father read The Hobbit to me and my siblings, even after my parents got divorced and we saw him only every second weekend and on holidays. He is an excellent speaker and did all the voices, brought to life the characters that Tolkien wrote with such love and imagination. Even though I for some reason pictured Bilbo as a tiny lizard person and Gandalf as an elderly chinese man, that story is still the most vivid and meaningful  experience of fantasy I have had to this day.

The battle of five armies is three hours of old people in front of green screens playing dragon ball z. I walked out of a movie about elves and mountains in the comfort of my own home. How.

In case you never had a childhood and were instead born a bullshit salesman with a large budget and a maths sum that had to be a positive number at the end, here is a list of how not to suffocate the child inside everyone under the giant dump you have taken on our memories.

The Hobbit is not a videogame. Videogames are not good stories. You ever sat down and watched someone play videogames for three hours? It is at best mediocre, even if you are high as snoop dogg on his birthday. Video games are entertaining because they immerse the player in a setting by presenting themed challenges. You do not get a turn in the battle of five armies. It is a badly scripted cut scene that you can’t skip through and you don’t even get to vent your mounting frustration by pretending you are hitting all the characters you hate with your sword designed by a thirteen year old that gets erections when they draw boobs on elves.

The Hobbit is not a stoner comedy. Point me to the line in the book, you bastard, that says “Gandalf gave Radagast a hit from his weed pipe. Weed smoke puffed out of Radagast’s ears. He was high. Hilarious.” Stoner comedies are not good. Stoner comedy fantasy is a special kind of worse. Stoner comedy fantasy adaptations of beloved children’s books are about as fun as inducing an aneurism by reading comments on auspol articles while Kanye West screeches to the tune of an army of fedora wearing ukuleles. You like drugs and fantasy? Buy a caravan, pretend to be an elf in a bikini on your Xpensive box and try not to drive any motor vehicles or make any dogshit movies.

The Hobbit is not about tennis balls. Ranting about the over-reliance of CGI in modern cinema is incredibly cliché but that is because you keep fucking doing it you morons. A good story needs only a plot and characters. The plot doesn’t have to be intelligent or original as long as you can get the audience to relate, and the characters don’t need to be deep or interesting as long as they are endearing. The Hobbit was meant to be proof of that how do you fuck that up. Giving someone a fuck off CGI mount is not character development dipshit who made you. You made Ian Mckellen cry I don’t care that you threw him a party afterwards bad job.

The one achievement of that half assed fuckfight of a movie was the scene where Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting next to each other, traumatised by all the imaginary orcs they made pchew noises at and only able to provide awkward facial expressions and body language to each other as comfort after such evil times. I walked out before then but it was exactly the scene that played out between my brother and I after the film.

It’s possible that your hands were tied on this one, that my ire is misdirected. It is hard enough to get a film produced, pandering to the whim of public opinion and the stipulations of those who provide funding to heap more upon their pile of cursed gold. Just maybe next time adapt The Wheel of Time or something, that thing was already a piece of shit.

Peter Jackson if you are reading this I really loved your adaptation of Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy and if you or your studio(?) are hiring in any kind of capacity I am available after ten-thirty am on a good day.

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