Guest Post: Dark Sam (Samuel Finegan)

This guy asked me to write a blog post for him.

I am not qualified for this.

Am I supposed to refer to this guy as ‘Skydekkerix’ even though everyone is probably aware of who this guy is? If you are going to use a pen name, it should not sound like you were seventeen and trying to name an elemental wizard. We have all played Diablo probably, but that does not make us okay people.  If you are going to have a blog then you should have a distinct theme. That way when you ask people to write a guest blog for you, they will have some idea of what they are supposed to do and won’t open by directly criticizing you. I am going to lecture you all on being a writer, because this is what the other guest bloggers wrote about.

I do not know whether this blog is supposed to be about writing or not.

Skydekkerix’s Skydekkerix Blog is about being not very good at almost every kind of thing and trying to be less bad at those things you are not good at. The secondary theme seems to be that all attempts at self-improvement are futile and that life is frustrating and upsetting and sometimes you will witness hell-scapes and water down your alcohol with tears from your face. I wrote that as a run on sentence because I have contempt for both this blog and the craft of writing. I have contempt for you as my reader.

Lesson One: No one cares what you have to say, and you are not even famous.

You are not famous and no one cares what you have to say. You probably want to talk and write about what writing means and pontificate on the craft. You should not do this, because you do not actually know anything and your opinion does not matter because you are not famous and will probably not be famous at any point in your life and least of all for writing a book. If you are writing and intending to change the world or open up readers’ horizons you should stop writing. No one will read what you write except the kind of people who are already enough like you that your opinions will not challenge them or they will dismiss them out of hand. If you were serious about fixing people, you would become a teacher or an abductor of children because adults can only be fixed by being made dead. If you were a cool assassin you would do more good ‘neutralising’ (that is assassin speak for having done a murder to) folks than you could ever do writing a book. Even if Oprah likes your book. Writing a ‘challenging’ work is like literary masturbation. It is essentially harmless and pleasant and is also good for your health but no one really wants to hear about how you made it except for someone who wants to do sex with you. Masturbation is a metaphor in the first instance but sex is just sex in both examples. If you are handsome or pretty enough that people want to do sex to you, you should not even bother talking about writing because your face has done the hard work and it is selfish of you to want more attention.

Tip: Eat bananas.

Bananas are one of the few rich sources of soluble potassium. Potassium prevents ‘shaky hand disorder’ and steady hands are essential for both long-hand and typing. Also, potassium can prevent cramping when you are masturbating. Potassium does nothing for muscle tremors brought on by nerves such as in cases where a lady has taken her top off at you deliberately or when you need to make words in front of judgmental folks in either an informal or academic context.

Lesson Two: Everyone is a writer.

Being a writer is the shittiest kind of being an artist because everyone thinks that they can do what you can do because of climbing literacy rates. People are inherently more impressed by paintings and sculptures than some ink that you put onto a page in an order. This may change when you have published a book but almost certainly not if you are published in a magazine. Or on a blog. Once you have published a book you become more impressive to your hairdresser than most visual artists and actors who aren’t in films. Hairdressers are your enemy and the enemy of self-worth. People will insist on hearing about your novel and you will not want to tell them. This is the correct impulse. Your novel or short story will sound appalling to everyone and destroy your faith in it. If you self-identify as a writer and writing is not your primary income you are a terrible person and should get a job. Everyone can write and it does not even take that much time. Get a job and earn some ka-ching, ka-ching, ba-bling ba-bling.

Tip: Do not get a job as a hairdresser.

Lesson Three: You are a monster who is wearing human skin.

As a writer you are a bad person. You have failed at being a person and are incapable of genuine feeling and experience. This does not mean you are evil, but you are bad in the same way that a hammock is a bad bed. You are a selfish monster that is passing as a person in order to eat their lives. You are a monster because everything is about you. When you go to a wedding or a birthday or a christening you are not genuinely happy for the folks getting wedded or celebrated or named. You are thinking about whether you can make a story out of this. When your friends go through difficult breakups, you are cherry-picking the most telling phone-calls and self-destructive alcohol choices.  If you are not doing this, you are not a writer and might be an okay person. Otherwise, recognize that you are a monster who feeds on suffering, discomfort and conflict. You invent fictional people to suffer in new and interesting ways. You monster.

Tip: Do not date an artist.

You are too selfish to be in a relationship with another person who will make everything about them.  After recognizing yourself as a monster, recognize normal people as your prey. Be kind to them, because they do not understand that you will eat them. If you must be in a relationship with an artist, reconcile yourself to heartless cruelty because you are now David Bowie and Catherine Deneuve and you are going to start stabbing other folks with a tiny ankh. I am a single man.

These are the basic steps by which you can manage your terrible affliction.

Mistakes are forever but when we are dead no one will remember them.

There is no escaping what you are.

I am so terribly sorry.

Samuel Finegan

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