Resume

The year is well into sci fi. Internet scams now include houses on Mars. They turned The Hobbit into a zero player videogame. I saw Tony Hawk stumbling around on a hoverboard because his ass old now.  I been writing around since declared Not Able but Money People want me to get a Real Job. Apparently it is nigh time I returned from outer space and put the mission of the sacred heart on hold so I can make coffee for some arsehole who is angry about how many metal discs he has to cough up to get kilojoules.

 

Ancient Work History

 

Male Staff

KFC

Early 2007

 

Responsibilities:

Covering colleagues for weed breaks

Beatboxing

Making that gross ass waste gravy

 

Skills Acquired:

Stealth Vomiting

How to ask for lunch breaks

Complete resistance to burn injuries

 

Sandwich Artist

Subway

2007-2008

 

Responsibilities:

Secret drinks fridge police/main offender

Food Court soundtrack

Every damn thing

 

Skills Acquired:

Caffeine

How to be one of gang

Made a sandwich so bad there was a picture on the internet

 

I tried to get into the air force about here but it turned out Warrant Officers hate exactly people like me. Dodged several bullets.

 

Student

QUT

2008-2010

 

Responsibilities:

Public Transport

Gandalf sleep with eyes open thing

Attending (didn’t)

 

Skills Acquired:

Keeping my damn mouth shut

Beer

How to bullshit

 

Sandwich Artist

Subway

One day somewhere in 2009 I think

 

Responsibilities:

Way Too Many

 

Skills Acquired:

I quit as soon as I was further than yelling distance from the store so nope I guess

 

Disabled

My house

2010

 

Skills Acquired:

Beer Weight

How to be cool with hallucinations

Killed it on fallout

 

Muse

Gumtree

That really weird week in 2010

 

Responsibilities:

I was supposed to have conversations(?) with this real intense American dude and maybe travel the world and shit

 

Skills Acquired:

How to realise that is probably serial killer

 

Wrote Website (Should have learned what that is called in uni)

Startup Genetics Company/High School Friend who had too high an opinion of me

2010

 

Responsibilities:

Advertising

Explaining

Yes I Know What I Am Doing nods

 

Skills Acquired:

How to hate advertising

How to hate stereotypes

How to hate 8am

 

I don’t remember like any of 2011

 

General Writer

My House

Always

 

Responsibilities:

Write things

Hope

Stress

 

Skills Acquired:

Too self-deprecating for this section

 

Sorcerer Technically

My House

Dawn of Spacetime

 

Responsibilities:

Not much

I give a lot of wise advice if that counts

 

Skills Acquired:

Fencing

Diabolism

Elemental Manipulation

Divination

Astral Projection

Nothing Useful

 

Also I gave my number to three different record producers who wanted me to be in a band but I am pretty sure now those guys were just hitting on me so no dice there

 

Possible Career Opportunities

Glam Rock Frontman or any kind of President

Bouncer at medieval themed bar

Normal people things surely

 

I do weddings

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