I have forgotten which personality was mine. It happens; sometimes you get lost. Sometimes you spend so long looking at other people you don’t recognise your reflection. Sometimes you don’t speak your own voice for weeks. Sometimes you are a soulless machination of thought.
There is a cure for this.
Recipe for a Lost Soul
1. Start sleeping around 8pm. Take medication if required.
2. Set alarm for 4am.
3. Wake at 12am. Hallucinate. Fight tooth and claw against monsters made of chemicals. Forget world exists. Fight for your sanity and fight for your life.
4. Wear self out, sleep.
6. Dream about how you can fly but it means nothing because everyone else is falling in love.
7. Dream you are repugnant, that the words you say fall foul in the ears of others. That they balk at the sight of you. Dream you are alone.
8. Dream you are turning into a werewolf in front of your best friend. Dream that they talk to you, calm you down. Dream that being a werewolf is kind of like being a person. Dream you are two werewolves.
9. Wake at 4am. Get up quickly. Make coffee. Do not sit down.
10. Wander house with lights off. Make no noise. Sit in a closet. Remember that you are a part of the dark. Remember that the dark is nothing. Remember we are made of empty space.
11. Smoke and look at the last stars. Remember there are more stars than have ever been people. Remember that the stars make more beautiful art than we ever could. Remember that an alien probably knows you exist.
12. Listen to music and watch the sun rise. Remember that music means something to everyone. Remember that the universe is bigger than it was when you were a kid. Remember that you can fall in love any time you let yourself.
13. Speak. Let the world hear the voice you only use for yourself. Reply. No-one is awake.
14. Dig. Find every thought you ever had. Open doors and fight your demons. Find the point where your memories mix with your DNA.
15. Stand. Stand because you can’t contain yourself. Stand because you can’t remember the last time you were in your body. Stand because life cannot be still.
16. You are back. You are done. Get on with it.
17. Don’t forget.
1. Get high and listen to The Rain Song.