Horrible Conscience

taking stock

twenty five

feel older

can’t remember who I haven’t told that joke yet

can’t tell if I am happier than I used to be

still hear voices, music, screams

still feel hands, tentacles, claws

deal with them fine

not a big deal

still get sad, worried, angry

still get happy, inspired, crazy

still three days and no meds away from wanting to kill someone

feel like a monster

feel like there is a wall in the back of my head I can’t see past

a door I don’t want to open

anger I don’t recognise still bubbles up

punch walls when alone

open and close fist, try to feel each second of pain

clears head

I want to stop

everything makes me sick if I let it

sex

violence

conversation

still think about walking to the bridge

throw self off bit over cement not water

instant out not drowning with broken legs

still will get turned back by lifeline phone

by thinking of family

people that need me

need me to talk them down off their own bridges

need jokes and tobacco stained smiles

need my name not to be a stab in the heart

don’t think about death

will come anyway

don’t think about future

will happen anyway

don’t think about monster at back of mind

don’t feel like helpless puppet

don’t think about vile cyst of evil thought

can stop anger

can fight war against self

can be person I decide to be

rouse self

punch wall

steel gaze

it’s all in your head

 

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