taking stock
twenty five
feel older
can’t remember who I haven’t told that joke yet
can’t tell if I am happier than I used to be
still hear voices, music, screams
still feel hands, tentacles, claws
deal with them fine
not a big deal
still get sad, worried, angry
still get happy, inspired, crazy
still three days and no meds away from wanting to kill someone
feel like a monster
feel like there is a wall in the back of my head I can’t see past
a door I don’t want to open
anger I don’t recognise still bubbles up
punch walls when alone
open and close fist, try to feel each second of pain
clears head
I want to stop
everything makes me sick if I let it
sex
violence
conversation
still think about walking to the bridge
throw self off bit over cement not water
instant out not drowning with broken legs
still will get turned back by lifeline phone
by thinking of family
people that need me
need me to talk them down off their own bridges
need jokes and tobacco stained smiles
need my name not to be a stab in the heart
don’t think about death
will come anyway
don’t think about future
will happen anyway
don’t think about monster at back of mind
don’t feel like helpless puppet
don’t think about vile cyst of evil thought
can stop anger
can fight war against self
can be person I decide to be
rouse self
punch wall
steel gaze
it’s all in your head
Skydekkerix 