What seems like a long time ago, before I was diagnosed with what doctors call a lot of things but what I know to be a very serious case of being myself, I was walking down a street with no lights. It was late and all the streetlights between the train station and my house had gone out. I was being followed by a lot of monsters and I was trying not to look at them.
At the time I was convinced that I was infested with demons. I didn’t sleep, I barely ate and I spent most of my time with a splitting headache. Every train ride was a coin flip between another day at work and a suicide attempt. I had split my mind up into various personalities to try and get by and keep the crazy from getting to the surface. All the time there was this strange sensation that I had to swim out into the ocean and keep going until I got where I needed to go.
I made a decision. I knew I had to choose between life and what I thought was destiny. I could go on living in a dream or I could try and figure out what was real and then write about it. I chose reality. I chose this because I had become very attached to all of the people I had met and I would miss them if I broke off from the real world. I combined every part of myself into one and tried my hardest to be a real person.
Since then a lot has happened. I have fought tooth and nail for every inch I have gotten against things I don’t fully understand. I have given up complete control to another person to prove to myself that trust is warranted. I have made many friends and never made an enemy. I have worked out what the difference between love and chemicals is. I have lived a lie and found out that truth is worth more than anything. I have been addicted to drugs and figured out which parts of me they effect. I have been to hell and fought demons and figured out that the only true god is the one you create for yourself. I have saved my own life more times than I can count. I have experienced mania and depression and things that cannot be explained. I have learned things that only I can learn and I use my knowledge to help whenever I can.
There is a small part of me, no longer a child but still very young, that I save for the one big question. What is real? I am there inside of me. I see everything that happens to me and I know the things that don’t. It took me a while to realise but I know now that I am enjoying the ride.
Skydekkerix 