I sold my soul for a girlfriend. I summoned Satan on a dry Tuesday night because it seemed like the right time. I didn’t have any blood for a ritual and even if I did I wouldn’t know what to do because the goth kids in high school didn’t like my goth name. Instead I texted “Please come tonight” to the number 666. I figured Satan is wily and would probably get the message.
Satan turned up alone in a Maxi-cab, giving the driver a wad of bills and telling him not to pick anyone up until sunrise. He carried a six-pack of beers that were way more expensive than the ones I had bought to share.
“I like your house.” Satan said.
He took his sunglasses off and looked me in the eyes.
“Because it is a shithole.”
I laughed and he laughed in a way that had no connection to my laughter. We went inside and he sat down on my grandmother’s couch and lit a cigarette. He offered me one.
“Will it cost me anything?” I asked.
“Ten minutes of your life.” he replied.
I took it and hoped the ten minutes would come from the end and not the middle. I opened a beer and Satan looked at me until I opened one for him as well. He looked bored so I asked if I should put on some music. Satan nodded. I looked through my collection of burnt cd’s and wondered if Satan actually liked metal or if it would remind him too much of work. Instead I grabbed a Best of Abba record from the LP’s my mother had given me. Satan seemed to agree with this.
“Should I play it backwards?” I asked.
“Forwards is fine.” Satan replied.
I sat down and Satan ashed between the couch cushions and opened another beer.
“So what would you like?” Satan asked me. “Is it fame? Glory? Talent? Don’t say money.”
“I want a girlfriend.”
Satan didn’t look shocked which surprised me even though it shouldn’t have. He smiled and his smile was exactly the smile of Satan.
“So you’re a virgin?”
I told Satan that I wasn’t, that I had girlfriends before but that was a while ago and I couldn’t quite remember how it happened. Satan said that surely it wasn’t that hard but I told him that it was. That I was missing something from the equation.
“It’s not an equation.” Satan said.
“Exactly.” I replied.
“Are you sure you want to do this?”
“Yes.” I wasn’t but I assumed Satan did not really care if I was sure or not. He handed me a document made of fine print and I signed it in blood. I could not help thinking that was the coolest thing I had ever done.
Satan called six taxis. We got in the first one to arrive. We drove three blocks down the road and Satan told me to get the fare because evil doesn’t pay.
Satan picked the lock to a house and I followed him inside. I assumed he knew what he was doing because he was Satan. There was metal music blasting from the basement and we went down the stairs.
The basement was tiles, pipes and couches. There were six bongs on the floor. Some of them were clean. There was a girl on one of the couches. She was normal sized and dressed in black. Her hair was the colour of red hair dye and her eyes were the colour of blood. She was immensely pretty in the way that everyone is pretty to someone.
“This is Katherine.” Satan said. “She made the terrible decision of selling her soul for you.”
I made myself look Katherine in the eye.
“Do not call me Cat.” She said.
“I will not.” I shook her hand.
I stood in front of Katherine until she motioned for me to sit as well. I sat down next to her. Satan sat on her other side and grabbed the dirtiest bong. Katherine moved closer to me so I moved closer as well.
Satan leaned forward and looked at me.
“Ask her if she will be your girlfriend.”
Smoke poured out of his mouth as he spoke. He started coughing violently and I had to speak loudly so Katherine could hear me.
“Will you be my girlfriend?” I asked.
“Yes.” Katherine replied.
Satan wheezed and tears welled up in his eyes.
“There.” He coughed, “Don’t ever use me as a dating service again.”
Satan kept smoking.
“Are you also bad at asking people out?” I asked Katherine.
“No.” She said, “I just figured you get what you pay for.”
I tried to distract her from my shaking hands with continuous eye contact. Satan stared at my hands until she noticed them. I started to ask her if she wanted to go on a date but she interrupted and asked me if I wanted to get drunk. I nodded.
She drank Vodka straight from the bottle and I blurted out that if I fell any more in love I would hurt myself. Katherine frowned. Satan giggled and then passed out.
We talked about our jobs while Satan slept. We worked in rival call centres, both of us trying to sabotage our employers when we could get away with it. I told her that I came from a big family and she said she was an only child. We both agreed that we were jealous of each other.
She kissed me while I was talking and I accidentally talked into her mouth a bit but it was still a pretty good kiss.
I checked the time and Katherine said I could leave if I wanted to. I said that I most definitely did not. Katherine put a blanket over Satan and we went upstairs to bed. I lay on my back and could not keep my drunken eyes from closing but Katherine said that was okay. She kissed me on the cheek and I smiled and told her I would see her in the morning. She told me she would see me in hell.