Hell is a place on Earth. Specifically my brain while I’m sleeping.
My sister is driving me in an old shitty van with bloodstains on the seats. We are out in the middle of the desert. It is twilight, the kind of twilight vampires are always hanging out in and looking moody. We pull up at a slate grey, two-storey house. It has a fading white picket fence and the lawn is completely overgrown. It is the house that I usually hangout with my dad in while I’m dreaming.
I can see about fifty cane toads the size of shovel heads in the headlights. My sister hops out of the van and tries to scare them away by running around and yelling. It does not work. They just end up hopping around her in a circle. I exit the van and make a mad dash for the front door. Cane toads are hopping all over my feet. I have a panic attack like that time I was swimming across a river and became convinced half-way that there were crocodiles in it.
I reach the front door and a brown snake slithers across my path. I leap over it and burst through the fly-screen. Then I look down and realise there is half a yellow python attached to my shoe. It keeps biting at my other foot. I step on it and feel its little skull pop under my shoe. Then I throw up a little.
I walk further into the house. There is a large dark room with a projector set up showing a map. I put on my WWII flight jacket and sit with the rest of the members of my squad. The colonel tells us we are the last hope of winning this war against the (burst of static). He points on the map. We are assaulting the largest plateau in the world. I think it is meant to be Toowoomba.
Cut to the squad running across a barren rock-scape. We can see the plateau in the distance. The skies are red and boiling, which is weird because they are already meant to be a gas. We reach a giant lake filled with what can only be described as pus lava. There are monsters leaping out of it a swimming around and it is pretty gross. Floating in it are platforms made out of polystyrene.
Most of our squad is wiped out in a few seconds. My brother and I are holding on to a platform for dear life. The camera cuts to Bob Marley dressed in combat fatigues. He has fallen into the pus lake and is desperately trying to climb up a cliff made of organs. He manages to get out of the disgusting fluid but it is too late. He starts to transform. He turns into a giant werewolf with dreadlocks. He sprints down a canyon that smells of rotting meat and out into the hellish wilds. He is finally free.
My brother and I have made it across the lake to the edge of the plateau. Our squad has been wiped out, there is no hope left for humanity. We climb into a little cave and await our fate at the hands of the daemons. I hug my rifle to me and realise I forgot to bring ammo. I turn to my brother.
“This is the end bro. Is there anything you regret?”
“I regret (burst of static), how about you?”
I stare out the small hole of the cave. Hellish monsters patrol the skies. The thick demonic soup is rising. Paris Hilton is out there being a terrible person.
“I regret ever playing Doom.”